By Donnie “Shaggy” Neufeld (a.k.a. Ken Burns)

Like whoa, dudes. What’s up with medical marijuana. Skeeter and I were checking out W5 or whatever, and this guy’s sayin’, like, he delivers pot to sick people who need it. ‘Course they didn’t show his face, but, you could see he was wearin’ roller blades for runnin’ his route, ’cause, like, fast service is important. Plus, the you-know-who’s don’t wear blades, know-what-I-mean. Anyway, he’s goin’ on about how he’s, like, a hero for bringing marijuana to people in a buyer’s club who are sick. Whoa, what a great scam–uh, service.

So … like … marijuana should be legal, eh? I was readin’ in, like, this pharmacy journal CPJ (Skeet helps me out with the long words) about this lawyer professor guy making big cash (they said something about him and “a Goode Hall,” or something). Anyway, he says that “basically, what I do is, I cause trouble. That’s my function.” And then he says that he’s gonna make pot legal. I believe him too, ’cause yesterday I was readin’¬†People¬†magazine, and they were talkin’ to the drummer/singer dude from Chumbawamba (you know, the “I-get-knocked-down, but-I-get-up-again, and-you’re-never-gonna-keep-me-down” guys). Anyways, he says, “our role is to cause as much trouble as possible.” This lawyer dude is way cool.

But The Suits don’t want us to be able to get pot cause they say it doesn’t work. Lots of my friends have arthritis and multiple sclerosis and other stuff. They only feel good when they smoke dope. When they can’t get any, they feel crappy. That’s a disease, right? I mean, it’s not like they’re addicts or nothin’. It’s like there’s a few characters who abuse the stuff, and that spoils it for all the people who really need it. And it’s not like it can make you impaired; our hero Ross even won a gold medal while treating his glaucoma so he could, like, see the mountain, man.

So, like, anyway, my friends and I were just sitting around not doin’ much (we do a lot of that) getting, like, totally medicated (we used to call it wasted, but this sounds much better). We’re thinking of forming a buyer’s club, ’cause apparently it’s OK to purchase the merchandise if you got the right kind of organization. We were thinkin’ maybe the real drug pushers, those pharmacists, might want a piece of the action, but apparently some lawyer for that epileptic dude in TO said there’s no money in it for pharmacists. That’d surprise the Hell’s Angels, that’s for sure.

My friend Puffy doesn’t think much of this legalizing marijuana, though. He figures that, as a distributor, legalization will make the price drop like a stone. Kind of like the stock market, I guess, where greater risk has greater rewards.

So if it gets legal, who knows where we can get it. Guess there’s no one who knows enough about restricted drugs to keep track of who’s using marijuana and to make sure it’s used right. (Duh!) ‘Course, the herb guys might take it over. Oh yeah, herb guys … cool.

I guess that’s why they call it dope.

Pharmacist Ken Burns tries to be more lucid than not at Errington I.D.A. Pharmacy in Chelmsford, Ontario.